Why I Grew My Hair Out or My Accidental Lesbian Date

I spent most of 2009 and the first bit of 2010 living on a little island on the west coast of BC. It was a very relaxing laid back year and interesting in a culturally anthropological way. Which is to say: I am NOT A HIPPY. I eat meat, I shave my legs and armpits, patchouli oil makes me retch, I watch TV, I think 'organic' is another word for 'getting hosed by grocery store marketers', etc. But I did enjoy living amongst the hippies. And since they're categorically non-violent, they didn't beat me to death with their didgeridoos and djembes and whatnot when I would casually mention how much I loved spring lamb (i.e. not in the frolicking-on-the-hillside sense.) Hippies are so nice that way.

Anyway.

In addition to the hippies, a few Famous People live on this island. And I got to know a couple of them. And I even got to play some music with one particular Famous Person. Somehow this Famous Person got the idea that I was a lesbian. And you probably have surmised by now that I play for the non-lesbian team. Not that I have a problem with lesbians, some of my favourite people are lesbians, hey-ho lesbian power, they're here, they're queer get used to it, etc. But y'know... I'm not. Nevertheless. The word got out on Hippy Island that I was. And if you've ever lived in a small town you know that once the word gets out, it GETS OUT.

I found out about LesbianRumor2009 while having drinks with the Famous Person's Assistant and a Non-Lesbian friend:

Famous Person's Assistant [to the non-lesbian friend]: So... I though you were married to That Guy?

Non-Lesbian Friend: I am!

FPA: Oh... so then you three are all together, ProngTwo lives with you? [This is not an unusual arrangement on Hippy Island]

NLF: Yeah, ProngTwo lives with us!

Me: Um. Wait. I don't LIVE with them. I just... uh.... I'm the roommate. That's it.

FPA: Oooooh. But you're gay, right?

Me: What? No. Not that I have a problem with lesbians, some of my favourite people are lesbians, hey-ho lesbian power, they're here, they're queer get used to it, etc.

FPA: Oh. Famous Person thought you were. Sorry about that. It must be the short hair.

Me: Yeah, I should probably let it grow out a bit...

FPA: ...

NLF: ...

Me: ...

So problem solved, right? FPA tells Famous Person, Famous Person gets the word out, LesbianRumour2009 is reversed? Yeah... not so much. A few months later I made a new friend. She seemed awesome. She gave me a call and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink, and I set that shit up because the average person on Hippy Island is either 73 or lives in a yurt and hasn't bathed since 1994 and Hey! a freshly bathed friend my own age! I was very excited until:

New Friend: ... and then I came out when I was 18. How old were you when you came out?

Me: ... oh. I... um. I'm not actually in the technical sense... or ha ha ha... well, really in any sense, I'm not gay.

NF: But somebody told me that they heard from Famous Person that you were... YOU'RE NOT GAY?

Me: ...oh that. Yeah, he thought I was. But I'm not. Ha ha ha. Small towns, huh? Hoo BOY, the rumours! Nope, I'm not a lesbian, not that I have a problem with lesbians, some of my favourite people are lesbians, hey-ho lesbian power, you're here, you're queer get used to it!

NF: ...

Me: ... plus, y'know it's so great to hang out with a new friend!

NF: Yeah, I don't think I could handle being just friends with you. You're really not gay? That haircut...

Me: I KNOW, I'M GROWING IT OUT.

As it turns out, longer hair isn't that tricky to deal with.