And now for something completely different

This post has nothing to do with being single or dating or people sending me pictures of their penises. But I heard this story last week and it's so hilarious that I'm posting it. I'll get back to the dating nonsense next time.

The Hobbit: A True Story

My Younger Brother lives next door to a family whose son is autistic. This kid is 14, and they're just starting to leave him at home on his own once in a while. A couple of weeks ago, the parents left him at home and ran some errands. When they got home, the door they'd left unlocked (the one in the garage) was locked. Weird. So they rang the doorbell a few times, and finally the kid answered the door. When they asked him why he'd locked the door the kid explained:

"I caught a HOBBIT! He was trying to escape, so I had to lock all the doors."

So fine. This kid has a bit of an imagination. The parents half-listened to his lengthy Hobbit story while they unloaded the groceries from the car. After about an hour, the Dad went upstairs. And noticed that a bunch of furniture was pushed in front of the kid's bedroom door. A bookshelf, an armchair, a big potted plant, etc. So he called the kid upstairs and asked him what was going on. The kid's reply was :

"The Hobbit, Dad! He's a slippery bugger, but I've got him trapped in there."

At which point, the Dad heard muffled knocking sounds coming from the kid's bedroom. He moved all the furniture away and opened the door and... there stood a VERY IRATE Little Person holding a fist-full of Watchtower pamphlets and bible. Evidently, he was not at all amused to have been wrestled up the stairs (not once but TWICE) by a teenager shrieking the phrase "A HOBBIT. I HAVE CAUGHT A HOBBIT" at top volume. The guy didn't press charges, but my brother's neighbours are now re-thinking the whole leaving-the-kid-on-his-own plan. Bet the Jehovah's Witnesses skip that house from now on.

ProngTwo=NOT hideous

You may be tempted to think that the reason for my current state of singledom is that I am actually 6'9", 450 lbs, balding and have the face of a day-old peeled apple. But in fact: NOT SO. Just this weekend, I had confirmation from two distinct and completely reliable sources that I may even be edging on the side of Attractive.

Source One: Giant Donut-Eating Stranger* in front of CoffeeTime
While walking home from the pharmacy, GDES and I have the following conversation:

GDES [as I am walking past]: Excuse me! Can I ask you something?

Me [stopping]: Um... okay.

GDES: Why you SO BEAUTIFUL?

Me: uuuuuuuuhhhh....

GDES: Imma ask you something else!

Me: ....

GDES: How long you been married?

Me: I'm not... uh... I'm not married.

GDES: WHAT? How can YOU not be married?! How long you been with your boyfriend?

Me [walking away]: Okay, well. Right. I guess I should get going now.

GDES [shouting after me]: He a LUCKY MAN, BABY!

* both the stranger AND the donut were giant.

Source Two: The Interwebs
I receive the following email:

Dear ProngTwo:

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users.

[Blar de blar, site stats, blah, blah, blah, algorithms, yada yada yada.]

You will now see more attractive people in your match results. [Some other stuff you don't care about.] The people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

[Additional drivel about how to login.] And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

Sincerely,

OKCupid

So you SEE, Internet? A stranger and an automated interwebs messaging system cannot be wrong. Clearly I'm not nearly as hideous as you imagined. So... mystery not solved. Although a wild guess could be that I'm still single because I'm impossibly picky and ruthlessly cynical. You can't really get an Xtreme Make-Over for that, can you? DAMMIT.