Instant Messaging: An Open Letter

Dear Horatio T. Millionaire-

First of all, nobody believes you're really a millionaire. I would suggest you try a more standard internet dating lie. Here are a few ideas:

• I'm 6'2" (actual height: 5'8")
• I work out every day (actual work-out schedule: three times per year)
• Here is a recent photo (photo circa 1993)
  
• I'm an actor (actual occupation: waiter)
• I love all kinds of food (will only eat meat and potatoes. If they are not touching each other on the plate. Sauce of any kind will be met with shrieks of horror. Salt is the only 'spice' that is acceptable. Vegetables? Ugh. You're not one of those VEGANS are you??)
• I'm an actor (actual occupation: lawyer)
  
• I have a great sense of humour (thinks puns are hilarious)

Second: given that you seem unable to converse about anything other than the possibility of my participating in a threesome with you and a yet-to-be-named third party, I would NOT like to continue the conversation with you via MSN Messenger. And no, I don't feel like I'm living in the 'dark-ages' by not having an MSN account. It's 2010. Does ANYONE still use MSN? Good luck with the threesome fantasy, though. I'm sure that'll totally work out for you any day now!

Also: you should think about cutting back on the porn. Bow chicca bow-bow BOOOOOW.

Love,
ProngTwo